So, I guess I should explain the last entry. I don't like vague entries where I make ambiguous statements and leave everyone wondering. I just haven't been up to writing about it until now.
I feel kind of silly about it in some ways, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm hurt about it. The night before Thanksgiving was my cousin Melody's wedding. She's two years younger than me and although we're not extremely tight anymore, we were very close growing up. I'm still tight with the rest of her family though. We grew up together, like brothers and sisters, the kids from our two families. We lived five minutes away from each other, our moms were best friends, we went to the malls together, movies, played together, swimming over the summer together, sleepovers, etc. As we all grew older, my brother Jason drifted from them but I remained close. And as more years went by, both my cousin and her sister ended up hating Jason (for their own reasons, nothing to do with me).
So, as I was driving to the wedding with my parents I asked "So am i going to be in the wedding?" Because usually when one of my cousins is getting married, I'm the one walking my grandma down the aisle during the ceremony. Honestly I don't give a shit one way or the other. All my other cousins that had gotten married and whose wedding I walked in, we weren't close so it was just like, "Oh, whatever. I don't care, I'll just do it." But when it came to Melody's wedding, I figured if anyone from our family was going to be in it, it would be me because i am, as I said, super close with my cousin's family. So in response to my question my mom says "No, but Jason is, I think." And I just thought "Whaa?!- That can't be right."
So we get to the wedding, I'm having a good time. I ask my cousin Michelle (the sister of the bride) if Jason really was walking and she said "No, why would we ask him? But we asked your mom about you, but she said you didn't want to." So I asked my mom and she said no one asked her. The ceremony is about to start and I look around and don't see Jason so i ask again, "Wait, is Jason reallyin the wedding?" and it turns out, he was. That's when a little dark cloud came over me and as the wedding procession started, I started crying. When the ceremony was done and people were going to the reception room I disappeared in the hotel for a few hours. I just didn't feel like facing anybody and I had no car of my own so I couldn't leave.
I just didn't get it. Because really, to them, besides being a random member of an enormous family, who the fuck is Jason?! And I'm kind of scared to find out the truth about what happened because I partially don't want to know what really happened. I just don't really want to know who is at fault. It's hard when it's a group of people you love.
It's really not the fact that I didn't walk in the wedding, but that they asked Jason. I have a bad history with Jason where we didn't talk for almost seven years and we just recently "reconciled." I wouldn't have gotten upset if they didn't ask anyone from our family. But they chose jason of all people. Who left right after the wedding!- didn't even stay for the reception. And of course, all these feeling of inadequacy came up about why they didn't want me.
My parents went looking for me after I disappeared and kept calling my phone and eventually found me. I kept telling them to go back and have a good time and they were both like "Fuck the wedding, we care about you." That felt nice. I ended up skipping family Thanksgiving the next day and spent the holiday with my boss and his family and still had a wonderful time.
So yeah, that's it. I'm still feeling hurt by it, but a hundred times better than last week. I'm not angry at anyone, I don't hate anyone because of any of this. Just confused and a little saddened.